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Submitted on
December 6, 2012
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(Contains: violence/gore)
Blood drips from my head,
as I sit up barley holding the hole in my head,
I did no wrong,
But he did,
So that is why I’m hanging on to my life,
I’m dizzy,
I’m slipping away,
And I know it,
The man wanted me dead,
So the attacked was planned,
But he didn’t plan to die,
But he passed away before I,
I sit in pain till I died,
Looking at his lifeless body,
Knowing I killed for what he did to me,
I may die,
but I died knowing I punished him,
For what he did to me,
Too bad I had to die too.
....
:iconbob-joe-and-who:
For being slightly macabre I think that you had a very good idea and you ran with it. I think choosing a first person narrative was absolutely the best choice for this particular style. I can almost envision myself sitting there holding my head replaying the recent event trying to understand everything before I passed.
Almost.

Very original, love it.
There are a few things that I'd like you to look at. The tense in which you are writing here changes from past to present quite a bit. If you are going more for a "before I die" concept try to aim more for the present, if you are going more for "I have already died" concept I think that you might want to reevaluate your tense choices.

One that I would change is "I sit in pain till I died, " I would change that to "I sat in pain 'til I died,".

It's also slightly confusing at the end there

Til I died
...
I may die
...
I had to die
...

May want to rearrange the order of those


Also, on a completely separate subject away from tense, you are very repetitive. When you see you are using the same word 10 times and it's not something mundane like "the" or "a" you might want to try synonyms to get a greater effect or reaction.


Overall I believe with a little polish this could be very, very good! I hope you always keep such a vivid imagination!
What do you think?
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:iconzevais:
Zevais Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist
I agree that it had a somewhat repetitive sound for poetry that is not meant to be sung. It is short, but I might have just left out the first and last lines. Given the title, it would have been just as profound.

The last line just feels a little unnecessary... as if it was there just to finish the poem. Otherwise it is thought out and follows a theme.
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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